Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

— Written by Sherrie Eldridge in 1999 (adult adoptee)

— Review updated by Heather Gonzales, updated in 2024

Quick Review & Considerations:

This book was written a while ago, and each year I reread it (at least 3x now), this book feels a little less relevant. There are several concepts and examples in this book that I continue to use on a regular basis in my work, so I don’t want to completely dismissed from a reading list. The nuances needed to discuss adoption today are limited or not included, including sections on what adoptive parents feel/are motivated by. Due to the age of the book some listed suggestions for adoptive parents are good, while others are outdated by newer research and information on trauma and attachment, and others are no longer recommended by current adoptee therapists or art therapist. Sorting out what is helpful and relavent is likely to be harder for those who do not have a contemplative adult adoptee they can bounce questions off of. This aspect can offer interesting discussion topics for those open to thoughtful and multiperspectived conversation, and may be best to read in a group with mixed perspectives and experiences.
Cites other research and literature to support her writing
Includes tips for parents to practice- although this is not the part of the book I recommend or use much myself.
Content can feel like it mainly speaks to younger adoptees, although there are concepts that can be applied to adoptees of various ages
Other newer offerings by this author are very controversial within the Adult Adoptee community, and community of Adult Adoptees who are therapist- especially concerning her current statements and content regarding RAD. Encompass Adoptees does not advocate for any content or concepts outside of this book and the review offered here.
Another more contemporary book and less controversial author that offers an introduction to adoption concepts from the perspective of an adult adoptee is “You Should Be Grateful.” While the subtitle gives the impression this is only for transracially adoptive families, there is so much in it that frequently applies to adoptees as a whole that it is easily recommended for both those in transracial or same race adoptive families (with the understanding that everything in any book will never apply to every adoptee or the specific adoptee in your life).

Please Note:

Listing books here is not intended to indicate absolute agreement with all content, techniques, suggestions, word choices, or other work by the authors- but to indicate a large portion of information that was found helpful. It is recommended that whatever you read, no matter who recommends it or writes it, that readers use critical thinking and that content is reviewed in a thoughtful, contemplative, and reflective manner.

List and comments reflects the individual opinions of Heather Gonzales and are written from the perspective of an adoptee, for those looking for resources for adoptees or adoptive families specifically. Lists are not necessarily a reflection of all staff or Encompass Adoptees as a whole.

Additional lists, books, details, and reviews are added and/or updated periodically.