Adopted Teens Only: A Survival Guide to Adolescence

— Book written by Danea Gorbett— in 2004, 99 pages

— Review written by Heather Gonzales, Book read in 2017, Review updated in 2021

 Full Review & Considerations: 

The author of this book has lived experience in a step-family situation and was adopted by 1 parent, when the other birthparent remarried. Her writing reflects this step-family experience and does not speak to or validate the variety of other possible experiences many adoptees (who are not raised with either birth parent) have. This is not a book for adoptees coming from hard places, adoptees in international/ intercultural adoptions, adoptees in very difficult or crisis situations, or adoptees that feel unsupportive by their adoptive parents.

This book barely addresses any of these or other difficult issues, and covers most topics in a light simplistic way that too often comes across in a dismissive and restrictive way. For example, on page 27 she says "...you will see abandonment is not the proper word to describe birth parents who place their children with other families. Your birth mother did not abandon you." And she goes on to say "[your birth mother] made a plan to have someone else…take care of you. This is hardly abandoning”(p. 27). But according to Webster's, abandon means " to leave and never return". While some birthmothers do make plans according to what they feel is best for their child, the author leaves no room for the fact that this is not always the case, or that regardless of a “plan” the birth parent often does in fact, “leave and never return”. While her personal perspective has a place and should be honored like anyone else, she does not give room to honor those who find the word “abandonment” helpful and/or accurate for their specific experiences. and adoption history. These kinds of statements allow for only one kind of view, one kind of birthmother or birthmother motives, and do not reflect the true variation found in adoptee stories. Limitations and devaluing of adoptees' experiences and language can deepen the feelings of isolation for an adoptee, especially youth. Although not using the word abandon does sound more pleasant, we should not try to change the definition of a word, or negate its use because it sounds too sad. Teens need to be encouraged to express their feelings and integrate them, and should be given all the words of the dictionary as they try to put the pieces of their own story together. Taking words like this away puts teens at a disadvantage. It can hinder or injure their understanding and thought process, as well as their ability or willingness to communicate with parents or others.

Another example of limiting can be found on page 35. The author writes, “When you seek information about your birth parents in helping you identify yourself, you are just seeking labels… It does not matter whether your birth mother has red hair, brown hair, or blond hair, you have not changed.” She further expands these concepts and talks about identity as “stable characteristics”, traits you “cannot change” which "exist regardless of what happened to your birth parents” (p. 35). While the author likely has good intentions here, it can come across as dismissive, and minimizing for those adoptees, of any age, who are struggling through identity issues. Although we may be interested, most adoptees I have met have not decided to seek their birth families or birth information for something as simple as knowing what color their hair is and this reference can come across as trivializing the complexity of identity, searching, and reunions. The words here also do not acknowledge or take into account all that has been researched and written on the value of genetic mirroring, that identity formation is in part built in response to external environmental context including family makeup and dynamics, or that early childhood experiences and trauma influences the developing self including pre-birth experiences and intergenerational trauma that is passed down.

Since the author has experience growing up in a stepfamily, it is possible that this book is better suited for that population, but since I do not have that experience personally I do not want to assume either way. Additionally, it should be mentioned that since this book was published in 2004, portions of newer research including information revolving around trauma, and the brain, may not have been available to the author. And it is probably fair to assume this may have influenced some of the wording and opinions found within. With that being said, this book still repeatedly limits adoptees to such a narrow field of experiences, I am not confident it can apply to more than a few adoptees (who have lost two birth parents). The author does have many valid topics throughout, but these are basic enough that one can find them in most adoption books. I find the chances of the language in this this book to cause further discouragement, isolation, or frustration too great to buy this for any of my adoptee relatives or recommend for the adoptee youth I work with.

© Heather Gonzales, Encompass Adoptees - All Rights Reserved