Books to Skip or Read Later…

Although it is my personal belief that something can be learned from almost anything, for those with limited time these are books that can be saved for later. Some of these books are perfectly fine, just may not be well suited to adoptees.

Listing books here is not intended to indicate absolute disagreement with all content, techniques, suggestions, word choices, or other work by the authors. It is recommended that whatever you read, no matter who recommends it or writes it, that readers use critical thinking and that content is reviewed in a thoughtful, contemplative, and reflective manner.

These reviews reflect the individual opinions of Heather Gonzales and are written from the perspective of an adoptee and therapist. working with. adooptees, for those looking for resources for adoptees or adoptive families specifically. Again, some of these books may be completely fine, when not applied to our population. Reviews are not necessarily a reflection of all staff or Encompass Adoptees as a whole.

Books Specifically on Adoption Issues to Skip or Read Later:

Adoptee Teens Only: A Survival Guide to Adolescence (SKIP)— written by Danea Gorbett

The author has experience growing up in a step-family and her reference to “adoption” and “adoptee” seem to indicate being adopted by one parent while also still living with 1 birth parent
Views and wording frequently narrow and limit the actual wide variety of experiences, feelings, and preferred terms of adoptees (those raised without either birth parent)
Some content is good and accurate, however, the ratio of this to what is unhelpful is not enough to recommend this book, especially to youth
The author does not include research or in-text references, although a bibliography is included at the end
See Full Review

Healing for Adults Who Grew up in Adoption or Foster Care (READ LATER)— written by Renee Wolfs, in 2015

This is written by an adoptive parent with a master's in communication.
In short, this book comes across as quick and rushed, disorganized, inadequate to discuss issues of this level of complexity, and to a degree dishonoring of adopted and fostered people.
The use of the wording “Foster Child, Former Foster Child, and Adopted Child” when describing an adult, which is used repetitively in the book, contributes to the “perpetual child” way of seeing adult adopted and fostered people and is not helpful or healing to our community as a whole.
The title is somewhat misleading, in that this book is written primarily on grief and loss. It essentially skims the surface on the topic though, and in its 140 pages, misses much of the nuance and complexity needed to both honor the heavy experiences of our grief and/or to gain a deeper understanding of it. Although some of the content on grief is accurate, there are few portions that actually tie the author’s concepts of grief and loss to the specific experience of the adopted or fostered person in a real or thorough way, other than using the “rephrased” (p.13) words from adopted and fostered people.
The first chapter gives incomplete and unthorough content including a list of the losses involved in foster care and adoption, a list of types of grief, and a list of themes in mourning. The writing in this chapter is supported by comments from almost all Non-adopted or Non-fostered people, even though it is supposedly written for our population.
The best parts of this book are the “rephrased quotes” by anonymous adopted and fostered people, which make up roughly about 1/3 of the book. Because she has “rephrased” these it can be hard not to wonder how much was altered. Either way, this high content from others mixed with a low degree of real connections made by the author, gives the book the feeling of using adopted and fostered people’s voices to support and fill up an otherwise very thin book. It is, in large part, an adoptee anthology with an adoptive parent’s ideas and commentary added. She acknowledges those who responded to her Twitter and Facebook appeals (p, 13), but says it’s beyond the scope to acknowledge those who wrote nearly 1/3 of her book, and this comes across in an offputting and dishonoring manner. In addition, multiple times the words of the adoptee/fostered person are not a good fit for the point the author is trying to make, causing these segments to feel disjointed and confusing, if not forced.
Because so much of this book is other people’s experiences it can sometimes be hard to follow what the author is saying without looking back and refreshing your memory. Some of the content is close to right but not completely, misses necessary elements, lacks the complexity required for such a complex topic, and uses dismissive language or other wording that is not preferable. This book feels rushed, like the author tried to glean a little bit of knowledge about a number of topics and then tried to write a book about it.
This was read about 1/2 through with a group of adult adoptees, and the attendees decided they did not want to finish it

The Science of Parenting Adopted Children: A Brain-Based, Trauma-Informed Approach to Cultivating Your Child’s Social, Emotional, and Moral Development (SKIP)— written by Arletta James, LPCC, in 2019

This book was read by a group of adoptive parents who decided partway through they did not think it was worth finishing, largely due to the language used and the fact that there are good books on parenting and trauma.
Stories and examples given of adoptees and birth families overshare, lack context in a way that encourages incorrect or incomplete assumptions by the reader, and/or are worded in a way that is unnecessary and shaming.
Language and wording about adoptees is often one-sided and incomplete, dismissive, and belittling. There are numerous references to “growing up the little adoptee” with no consideration for the fact that often have to grow up beyond their years in childhood and that this contributes to issues as well. The author speaks of adoptees as having the behaviors of a preschooler or a 3-year-old. This wording repetitively denounces adoptees as immature and completely misses and devalues what has been learned by the adoptees from their experiences and how this is contributing to current behavior. A discussion on adoptees trying “to control every situation all day long! …like Chinese Water Torture! Drip! Drip! Drip!” (p 79). Again, this excludes the whole context and. does not consider the root of this response, how it is connected to fear and safety, or how it feels. to the adoptee expressing a need for control.
Some language places the full blame on adoptees and pits the adoptee against the rest of the adoptive family (p. 41) and lists 41 different ways adoptees negatively impact a family without making any effort to offer context by also including aspects of the adoptive family or a list of abused and neglects that are contributing to behaviors. The author includes a chart that starts with the adoptee being problematic (p. 43) - rather than starting with trauma and the histories that caused these responses. Exclamation points are included extensively throughout and create an overarching tone of exasperation, annoyance at adoptees, and our responses to trauma.
Healthy communication between adoptive parents and adoptees is discouraged, for example, because “We don’t need to explain to a 14-year-old who is 4 years old!” (p. 46). This is contradictory to numerous parenting, trauma, and neuroscience books and research. The Whole Brain Child, by Siegel, is one excellent example.

From Fear to Love— written by Brian Post

Books Not Specifically Intended for Adoption Issues:

Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings (READ LATER)— by Kenneth R. Ginsburg, MD, MS ED, FEP with Martha M. Jablow, in 2006, (new Ed 2023)

Does not include content on trauma or significant life stressors and how this impacts the development of resilience for youth with these experiences. It may be completely fine for those wanting to learn about resilience for youth with no or low ACEs, neurotypical functioning, and those who have years of opportunity to develop resilience before a significant stressor/trauma occurs.
Says resilience is “already packaged in our kid's makeup,” “ordinary magic,” and “not something we need to go out and acquire” (p.41). However, genetic resilience that is somewhat more innate (See Childhood Disrupted by Jackson-Nakazawa) is not discussed in any helpful detail, and the 7 C’s are all things that must be developed over time, each requiring numerous prerequisites of a sort - such as positive social community, opportunities, experiences, knowledge, trust, belonging, etc to achieve.
The 7 C’s are worth reading (p. 40-47), however another book should be written to fully address how these 7 C’s can be developed for youth who have significant hardships before the 7 C’s are able to be developed, and how this is impacted by relinquishment & adoption, traumatic stress, and ACE’s.
Covers basic topics broadly and at a more surface or introductory level, without offering deeper insights, and which could have been written in a shorter (faster to read) format
Includes many good general reminders- such as advocating adults to have high standards and praise kids for achieving good character vs good grades (p.40)
This is an older book in its 4th edition, however, it does not seem to include updated content related to new research and knowledge available
Includes very few citations of research to support information written, and no reference page or bibliography

Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Healing from Abandonment (READ LATER) — by Susan Anderson, in 2011

I started to read this book in 2021, but decided not to finish largely due to the language it uses- There are plenty of fine things about this book, however, its often negative approach seems less beneficial especially since many adoptees already have hardships related to self-worth/value, self-compassion, etc and there are plenty of other good books out there to read.
Although the title advocates for a reduction of self-sabotage, it repetitively uses language that devalues the self or puts one at war with oneself/other parts of the self. Examples of unhelpful language that promotes negative self-talk and self-concepts include wording and phrases such as:
- “Abandoholic…addicted…to abandonment” - Rather than using this label, just explaining in detail what is meant and how it connects to generational trauma would be more helpful
- Describes parts of self as: a “primary adversary” “bent on wearing you down” p. 7, having a “mission…to hijack your…best interests” p. 9, a “bully” and "a wolf in sheep’s clothing” p.171- This lacks self-compassion and understanding the protective intent of coping behaviors, and is contradictory to the idea of integration, to positive self-talk, and Parts Work or IFS

Other sections include a writing style with unhelpful tones of argumentativeness that make the author sound like advocating for her own ideas to be heard is more important to her than helping people overcome or heal.

Facing Codependence: What it is, Where it comes From, and How it Sabotages Our Lives (READ LATER) — by Pia Mellody, in 1989, Reprinted in 2003

There are several good points in this book, but it was written a while ago and this shows as you read it. Newer information is available and some sections need additions, clarifications, and/ or updates for what we know about development trauma now.

The title, excessive repetition of the word “codependence” and calling people “codependent” is an older way of discussing trauma- using symptom language instead of looking at the root causes. Bruce Perry and Oprah Whinifry’s book highlights this well and refocuses our attention from “What’s wrong with you?” to a more meaningful and productive, “What happened to you?” If you can read this book and insert “those who have experienced developmental trauma” every time “codependent” is used, you may get more out of the book. Otherwise, the extensive use of this word and another language that continually points to the problem only as the person, and not also the (generally abusive and/or neglectful) context in which they were forced to respond, limits the benefits that could be gained from this writing.
With these two limitations, and due to the number of other books related to developmental trauma and trauma due to parental interactions out there, this one is a good one to save for later.
For a few positives, Chapter 9, Defenses Against Recognizing Abuse, includes a general overview and information on repression, suppression, dissociation, minimizing, denial, and delusion. This is worthwhile, however, there are also whole books on dissociation and more in-depth content on these coping mechanisms in other sources.
The author also includes a separate chapter on each type of abuse- physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. This is easy to reference and has good content, although again, it could benefit from some additions and updates.